Thread:YingHe/@comment-36159587-20190627224346/@comment-36159587-20190710051802

And speaking of hurting each other...

I know it's inevitable. People have faults, and differences. There are obviously times where moods are so very unpredictable or negative, and there's really no 100% optimist.

Now, I, personally, don't care if a friend is in a bad mood around me. I care when he/she/they exert that bad mood on me, as if I were the reason. Anyhow, if I am the reason, then I prefer for them to tell me, not yell at me.

I usually have good intentions. Over all my years, limited or not, I'm more mature than the average 9-year-old, and it's not because of my positive experiences. It's because of my negative ones. I've been in school since age 3 or 4, preschool, that is, though I haven't been in the exact very normal schedule most people my age have been exposed to. Neither have my experiences. That is, when I was in my limited times in elementary school, I experienced a lot of hurt that really geared me for who I am now, in the upper grades, and maybe even in the future world.

I guess, here's a part of my life story.

The first school, elementary, I was in, it wasn't the best, despite its 10 rating. It was very discriminating and...to be honest, racist. Not that relevant, but the first fight I was in was technically because of my race. And the worst really came when I was 4, in the 3rd or 4th grade.

I guess...it was the principal who was racist. She called me a lot of names and racial slurs. I don't even know what I did. She shot me glares in the hallways, and I don't know what else she did, but I know there was a huge influence at the time. She told the other kids--in front of me--bad things. About me. So, I was very excluded. I had no friends whatsoever.

Now...when I was that age, I really didn't know that much, did I? I was already so different, it wasn't that hard for the older kids to exclude me. Before that, I guess...I was a bit different than I was now. On here, I can be talkative, open, almost. In real life, there's no that. In real life, I'm the silent one. I'm the one no one really can understand, and presume to be antisocial. I'm not. I think that, the 4th grade experience was what really changed me.

The first few times, when I sat down at a table at lunch, and the entire table moved tables, I was really sad and confused, and I cried a lot too. But, there wasn't much anyone really could do, and in the first place, wanted to do.

After a while, I trained myself to not care about the bullying, and the glares the principal gave. My mom tried reporting her, to no use, and I couldn't explain clearly, anyways. No kids would justify it, anyways. Why defend the weird kid with no friends? I learned to ignore it. Sit down at a table, look down, not look at anyone leaving, and just...eat, I guess. Or outside, just play by myself.

There was one kid, a boy, who was seen as really smart, especially in math. He played with me--and after that bit of exclusion, I couldn't really determine anything. I still am thankful for that bit of fun he gave me, but...there was a problem. He was a troublemaker. Not only that...he was violent. He hit me, and every time, I forgave him, though I did hit back. Why did I forgive him? I don't know. He hurt me, and any other kid would have probably ran off already, but there were many times where we had fights, and then we "got over" it, like it didn't happen.

Now, I know, I should've paid attention to it. Like domestic violence, violence in friendships mean it's not a friendship. But I was young, and naive. Someone hurt me; I forgave him, over and over again. I only got more and more hurt.

At some point, I finally got talked into (by Mom) that he was a bad person and I shouldn't continue befriending him. I guess, that's when we actually became "enemies". I got into fourth grade at the middle (or around) of the year, and the school year was two months from ending, or whereabouts. I got into a fight with him. I didn't get blamed for it, because there was a kind teacher, my homeroom one, who knew me the best. After all the kids and the principal was like that, I learned to be more of a goody-two-shoes towards the teachers so the adults wouldn't be hostile towards me, I suppose, as compared to when I was a year younger, when I got into all sorts of mischief, such as not doing homework or talking when the teacher was (in my defense, the homework was not mandatory and was too easy, and the teacher was repeating the concept for the nth time).

But then again, not all the teachers' impressions were influenced by that. There was another teacher, among some others, who...I guess, didn't think very highly of me. Now, maybe I had been naughty, but I don't think a teacher, an adult, should hold a grudge against a kid. But, maybe she did. I don't know. Maybe it was because I hadn't given her a gift card for Christmas, maybe it was my naughtiness, or maybe it was the principal (probably this one being more likely), I don't know. Like I said, it wasn't necessary for that kind of treatment, not because I was a kid, but because whatever I had done couldn't have been to the point of that.

But, there were a few new kids...of White skin, I guess, not trying to be racist here when I say so. I was in the Gifted and Talented program they have in elementary schools, with top-notch grades in the grade, the state, and even nation, according to Common core statistics. And I got kicked out because of...because of them. Not because of them, I guess, but their arrivals. The GT teacher didn't bother explaining more why she kicked me out of the GT classes into the "normal" classes, but I knew that those kids got into the program--two months away from the end of 4th grade, at that. She said that the GT program could "only accept a certain number". Why, then, not kick out the same amount of people as those entering? Why me?! I was young, naive, but not dumb. I knew the math, and I was considered very, very smart, albeit nerdy and different. I knew it wasn't really because of that reason. And I cared, too. I had grown used to one adult and kids "hurting" me--and now it was yet another adult. I cried, and I made a vow to surpass them, I guess...that goes on to now. I'm determined to be the best of the best. And to be better than them. If kicking me out of the GT program was intended to make me worse academically, or to lessen my potential...they're not getting what they want, and I'm making sure of that even now.

Thankfully, after this, my mom made a decision and switched my school, also moving in the process. I still feel bad, but also glad, at the same time. It stopped me from having to be hurt, over and over again, and have to face the same people. But, I also learned how some people can be "bad"--and the hurt sustained. Even now, I hate unjustified derogatory remarks, racist and discriminating names and stereotypes, thoughtless comments that can hurt people, and overall, certain ways certain people act and say things.

But, I didn't say that life story for really no reason. My point is that I am more afraid of being hurt, more so mentally than physically, than perhaps the "norm". After that happened, my personality changed without me noticing. I went out of reality, and I still have a hard time communicating with others, much less making friends, and even less keeping them. Online, or otherwise. I don't "understand" others, I guess, those my age or not. And I'm constantly afraid that someone will hurt me.

Now, I know I get hurt through weird ways, too--feeling left out and acting out. I have my moods. But, overall, I consider myself a good friend. I'm empathetic (though sometimes clueless), I consider myself pretty nice and caring. Even to the glares at the time, I never glared back. When I fought back, I only hit them the number of times they deserved, and I've avoided many fights, even verbal ones, which I excel more at. Especially for friends, I'm more considerate. I hope that others don't mind my moods, because I try to stay further away in those times, and I would never try to hurt them, in a mood or not.

I also consider myself with not much of a temper. When it does come out, the person causing it had better watch out, but so far, in my years, I've only had it act out 2 times. There would have been three, but I was even younger than the instances I listed, and it was with my biological parent, which is why I say I have no parent. That person is dead to me, and has been for more than two quarters of my life. But, that's not relevant. My moods are different than my temper. The first time I got angry was when that "friend" got into a fight and tried to hit my temple, which would've likely killed me. The other time was from the forums, when someone said mass genocides are a good way for natural selections. I definitely do have my bad days, but not with my temper.

So...if I try not to hurt others, what does it mean when someone does hurt me?

I try to forgive, but like GGaD!Galaxian, I hold grudges and I don't let go. I get hurt once, I remember it for the rest of the relationship. But, I always think of that boy. Many people aren't violent like him, I know that. But, like I said, I fear being hurt mentally more than physically, and he actually just tried to hurt me physically, not mentally. So, if someone hurts me at least 3 times, and I continue to forgive...am I just repeating the pattern of the younger self?

I think myself to be less naive now. But, it's still a question I've yet to come to terms to on the answer. And it's always so hard to decide, too.

Like I said, I don't mind if someone's being moody around me, as long as they don't force the mood onto me. This doesn't apply when I get into a bad mood because of someone doing something to my friend, of course. That's my choice.

But...it's like how I don't mind how someone's being angry around me, but I do if he/she/they yell at me. Or, likewise...

If someone's one way, and that someone presumes me to be the same. People are different. One shouldn't presume another to be the same way.

For instance, some people IRL like calling each other insults and names as fun! I don't.

Some people put insults indirectly into what they say. I don't. So why presume, if one hasn't the reason to presume? People are different, and also similar, in some ways. But, overall, different.

I guess this is more of a self-reflection than anything else. But, concluding, I do believe that if people self-reflected more, learned from experiences, the world would be a better place. Not just after the moment, but also at the moment.

I guess, too, that I really wish that people could think and self-reflect before hurting someone else, so they don't even do it unintentionally, much less intentionally.

I wish that the principal could've seen that she nearly ruined a kid's life. I wish the other kids could have seen that there was someone who was being hurt by their actions. I wish my former friend could have seen that violence wasn't the solution to his problems. I wish people could think before they do anything, or talk. Most of all, I wish that I could be better, and not hurt anyone, just as I wished others to, even if this world is one of hurt.

But, as I sometimes like to say in real life, wishes happen through acting, not upon a shooting star. I'd like to continue acting on this self-reflection...and I'd like to think, and hope, that others will do the same on their own conclusions.

-Galaxian-