Thread:ThisIsXenon/@comment-32273133-20180317143753

Alright, here goes.

This is a multi-faceted issue that bloomed into a shvtstorm of sorts over break, so bear with me.

Idk how many of you knew, but I'm generally gender confused and have been (formally, if you could call it that) for almost a year now. Currently, I identify as male or somewhere around there, and since that's different from my birth gender, that means dysphoria.

Ah, dysphoria.

Imagine waking up and feeling normal only to glance in a mirror and see someone that is definitely not you. But it is you, and everyone says it's you, and you can't do anything to change it.

That's how it feel 50% of the time I look into a mirror. It's frustrating. It comes and goes based on what I'm wearing and my self-esteem level for the day. And it's not just visual. I get voice dysphoria too -- which sucks if you like singing and acting and using your voice.

It usually gets worse when I’m on break and don't have much else to think about, and here I am on break doing a bunch of music-and-singing-related stuff.

I've talked to my therapy person about the whole gender issue and we’re finally working through it, which I'm grateful for. But, they and my mother keep saying things like “women are strong!” and “screw societal expectations!” and I don't think that's my point? By no means do I disagree with either point, but that's not making me feel any better. I still haven't identified any root issue or factor at work here. Maybe it is societal expectations, maybe it isn’t….maybe I'm deluding myself, maybe I'm not.

This much confusion doesn't feel great, so when it hits a peak, my headspace gets a little dimmer.

I'm really scared for summer, because for the past two summers it was really dark up there and I was wondering whether I should just end it all or not. I don't want to get to that point again. That's one of the reasons I joined the forums last summer, because I needed an outlet. I needed something else to think about and something else to do. And that's why I really don't want to leave the forums -- to put it bluntly, that outlet “keeps me sane.”

My parents aren't huge fans of me being on the internet like this though -- fear of predators and the like. I'm being as careful as I can and trying desperately not to screw up -- why I'm not ever on chat and can't get discord, since both of those are a big no.

And here I'm not even getting into other self-esteem issues about all the forms of art I do (music, writing, visual art etc.) and worrying about the future (because what the hell am I going to do with myself when I get older) and really, really, really missing a person.

I'm tired of this, I'm tired of being confused, I'm tired of being empty, I'm tired of lacking motivation to do things, I'm tired of tired of being angry at myself, I'm tired of the void, of all of it, of everything.

I'm so fvcking tired.  