Thread:ThisIsXenon/@comment-32273133-20190127221028

So I popped over on the forums for like five minutes a bit ago, and I’d planned to say “hey guys back for five minutes to say I’m good” but it ended up being more like one post on MJ’s ascii thread and a reply to eureka asking about me from gods know how long ago.

And it felt weird. Like an uneasy, sick to your stomach feeling of being somewhere vaguely familiar but you can’t place anything. I remember my heart speeding up [excitement or fear, idk which] and as I’m writing this my stomach is just now staring to relax.

I don’t know what I was expecting, though I’ve been romanticising what it might be like when I come back since I left. And I love GGaD too much to leave forever. But everything else....it’s weird. I’m so used to the wikia format and not having to censor myself [instead of the “slow clap” reply to MJ’s thread I was gonna put “Hell yeah babey!” But. The forums don’t like cursing]. Plus it reminds me of everything that’s happened since March, really the big leaving thing and one other thing from a few months ago [that I can’t talk about since it’s location based, though I wish I could] and it’s a little painful too. I still can’t think about the month of March without thinking back to why I had to leave, and where I was when a bunch of stuff went down. It brings up a bunch of year-old memories that I thought I’d gotten rid of and yeah. It’s weird. It’s intimidating. It’s a little scary. It’s not what I remembered. It’s chaotic and goes in a million different directions.

And yet I still want to come back. Because I’ve been working on GGaD ideas since March and before then. Because I miss roleplaying and there’s no way in hell I’m gonna be allowed to get discord in the foreseeable future. Because I miss the freedom of talking to you guys almost whenever I wanted.

So,,,,idk. I don’t know what to think. I bet I’ll get used to the forums when I get back on, and I still miss them, but not in the same way. I miss the roleplay, mostly, and a few of the sane conversations I’d have.

Thoughts? I’m unsure why I’m posting this but I figured I should.  