Thread:Enchanteddragons/@comment-32460917-20180401185944

Because I don't want to clog my homethread full of whining. I'm just gonna contain it all in one thread, and this would probably be my go to place to vent

Warning: This place is probably going to get really toxic since I'm not a good person, and my writing is painful to read

I remember a couple years ago, I was feeling really down. I knew about depression from tumblr mostly since they talked about it a lot on there. Around that time was when I googled what the symptoms of depression was. I fit a lot of them.

I was really relieved when I read that article, y'know? It's a good feeling to finally know what's wrong with you, and how to help cope with it.

I think it might have been 2 years since then, and I'm doubting whether I really have depression or not. I've never been to a psychiatrist. I asked my physical doctor about it in 8th grade, and she said that it was probably just stress. Granted, I felt a lot better then than now. I didn't want to die back then. But I have no reason to be depressed. Also, I've read that extended use of electronics and lack of sleep might cause people to have depressive thoughts. So, with that in mind, I can't be sure at all. I'm probably just faking it for attention. Or maybe its something like a placebo effect, where I thought that I had it, but I don't actually have it and I'm just deluding myself

Around the end of November to January, I took a hiatus since the forums were making me feel suicidal. I didn't make a post on here to make an announcement. I posted a long vent on the ML wiki and then never touched any forum-related site until at least a week later. Afterwards, my anxiety at missing out caused me to peek onto the ML wiki again, but I didn't dare go on the MB for more than a couple of minutes.

the mb discord server helped me a lot in this time. The people there had a way of comforting me that helped me considerably, and I felt a lot better. I still stayed on the discord almost exclusively though since I was scared of coming back and reliving it all again.

However, with GGaD being revived, I really wanted to come back just for the FWRP. And so I did, thinking I was mentally healthy enough to rejoin.

And now my problems aren't suicide. That voice has lessened considerably, and although it'll probably be in the back of my mind forever, it isn't a prevailing thought anymore. Right now I'm struggling with motivation and caring. Motivation is obvious; a lot of people struggle with it. I never want to do anything, even sleep. I just stare at a screen the entire day. I get small bursts of motivation, but they last a very short time. I've read something about why people with depression are unmotivated: basically, motivation is caused by a certain chemical released by the brain. When it is released, it floats around in the brain and frolics around. While it's out, the person is motivated. However, in a person with depression, the brain releases the chemical, and then sucks it right back in, meaning that the person doesn't get the motivation that a normal person gets

And about the whole "caring" thing. For the longest time, I thought that I was losing my ability to feel emotions, but that's just crazy. You can't turn into a sociopath. Rather, the idea that having depression makes you "not care" is more accurate. I don't care as much anymore. It sort of ties into unmotivation. I don't care about getting enough sleep until I receive the consequences. I don't care about homework until I think about the consequences. Now my entire life is just caring about what will happen if I don't do something. And I hate it all since I don't really care. I just don't want to deal with the consequences. This probably applies to my forum life too. I never want to leave since then I miss out, and I force myself to comment on people's vents even when I have no idea what to say. For some, it's because I care for them, for others, it's because I don't want to seem like a bad person. A good person would comfort everyone, and so people would comfort them when they feel down

Then there's my personality. I've seen people hate themselves for being whiny, when they don't seem whiny to me at all.

Well anyway

My first reaction is to hate things. And that's horrible. I want to like something, but I have to convince myself to like something. I hate myself for hating everything. Why can't I just accept everything that happens? I don't want consequences to be the only thing I think about.

My perception of myself depends entirely on what other people say. Though, the side effect of this is that I read between the lines too much. It's gotten to a point where even when people complement me, I question whether or not they really feel that way or they're just being nice. I've already decided that I'm too biased of myself -- both negatively and positively -- to be an accurate judge of myself. I'm guessing that's why the forums are such a bad place for me to be mentally. With posts being filtered by the mods, and rp posts being ignored because of timezones or other unknown reasons, it's harder to talk to people. Not to mention the fact that you are one of many

Several factors in this post show that I can't ever really leave, even if it benefits me. So I concluded that I'm stuck here, and I'll probably be stuck like this forever

And here I am at the bottom, wondering why typing it all out hasn't made me feel better at all. My chest still hurts 